The gift of agency

I still remember the first time I saw it. It was when we were visiting Grandma and Grandpa at their house in the mountains. I don’t know why I was so brave to walk around alone at night, but there I was standing outside the house and staring at this new contraption that was hanging near their sliding glass door. I thought to myself, “Wow! That blue light is so bright that if I ever get lost at night, I will be able to see the light and follow it to the house.” And then as I became hypnotized by the brilliant blue glow, I noticed the oddest sounds coming from the light. Brzzzzaaappp! “Hmmm, must be something wrong.” So I trekked inside to notify the adults that the light was breaking. That was when Grandma explained that the light was a bug zapper. The purpose of the unnatural light was to attract the bugs and then kill them when they got too close. The noise was the sound of the bugs being fried by the intense light.

I don’t know what triggered this memory but I was pondering recently on how closely this relates to a handful of individuals that I have known throughout my life. There have been times when I feel like the curious bug captivated by the life-sucking neon light. I become disillusioned that the light is really not THAT harmful. I may see all the warning signs but choose to ignore them.

Turning away from people that don’t bring out the best in me can sometimes be difficult. Sound stupid? I know. Sounds stupid to me, too, but I feel a little curious to understand why they act or think the way that they do. I feel drawn to them and maybe I justify it by thinking “I can change this person” or “But I have such a good time when I am with him/her” or “He/She has promised to get better”, etc.

And trying to tear myself away from the situation can sometimes be almost physically painful. My heart hurts. The other today, the Garth Brooks song “More than a Memory” came on the radio. It reminded me of some of the pain I have gone through in trying to break free from an individual, even when I knew I was doing the right thing. Sometimes, I had been spellbound by the individual for so long that there is a large hole left in my life.

Here are some of the lyrics:
People say he's only in my head
It’s gonna take time but I'll forget
They say I need to get on with my life
What they don't realize

Is when you're dialing 6 numbers just to hang up the phone
Driving cross town just to see if he's home
Waking a friend in the dead of the night
Just to hear ‘em say it'll be alright
When you're finding things to do at night, not fall asleep
Cuz you know he’ll be there in your dreams

that's when he's more than a memory.

In spite of knowing how hanging around a certain person can drag me down, sometimes it’s like I can’t help it. But I really know, deep down, that I am only hurting myself. If I saw myself and gave advice to myself, I would say “Self, you just need a good kick in the pants. Move on! Right now you have your blinders on and therefore your focus it limited. Have faith that someone else is out there is just as excited but also lifts you up. Take the blinders off and expand your vision.”

The happy news for me (and for those bugs that opt to fly away from the zapper) is that if I turn away from the harm, I have given myself a new life. I feel in control of my own life. The hole in my life will eventually be filled. The pain will be replaced by contentment.

Lesson learned: Life is too short to waste on spending time with those who impair me. When I see the warning signs, I need to quickly turn away. The world is full of others filled with the Light of Christ and that is the light I seek.